A Wish for Grace, A Dream of Sleep

Fa-la-la-la . . . oh, forget it.

Fa-la-la-la . . . oh, forget it.

Today is the day before Christmas.  The last shopping day.  The last day to go out and buy food if we’re to have a proper meal for Christmas.  I have three baskets of laundry piled high:  His dirty clothes; my dirty clothes; clean clothes and towels waiting to be folded.  We’ve a tree (see photo above) with lights and an angel on top, but nothing else, and yet, I think it’s the most beautiful tree we’ve ever owned.  It is perfect, is it not?

I am tired.   Really, really tired.

This has been my refrain, my mantra — every single day this year.

After months of trying to find the cause, I learned that I have severe sleep apnea.  A machine recorded how many times I stopped breathing in my sleep, which turned out to be an average of once every 75 seconds.  I was hoping Santa would bring me a CPAP machine for Christmas, but it looks like that’s not going to happen.  (A higher power than Santa requires that he fill out forms and documentation in triplicate while also procuring the eyeball of a Komodo dragon, three sets of fruit bat wings, and a pair of fuzzy dice before he’s allowed to deliver medical equipment.)

All of that aside, this is not a post just about me.  It’s about you, too, my readers, my friends, my family, my tribe.  What I wish for us all.

I’ve had plenty of down time this year.  Hours spent lying in bed–not sleeping–waiting for the brain fog to lift, the morning headache to subside.  Time enough to think about all the important stuff, or my interpretation of it, anyway.  (Everything is subjective.)

And what I’ve come up with is this:  Life sucks.

Life is incredibly difficult and unfair.  It’s full of nasty isms — racism, sexism, ageism, terrorism.  Everybody hates something, or someone.   People are mean, politicians corrupt.  All over the world people are suffering and sick, afraid and lonely.   People are dying.  Too many are contemplating suicide.

Why should I stick around for this?  Why should any of us?

It’s been that kind of year.

And then someone on a social media site shares a cute cat video or (even better) the video with a penguin laughing — laughing — and for a few seconds I forget about how hard life is.  It occurs to me that life has always sucked, yet here we are, still hanging in there, wending our way towards grace and a little kindness through whatever means we can.

Tomorrow is Christmas, the Boy is home, and music and laughter will abound despite everything else.  Despite piles of laundry, an unadorned tree, and gifts that didn’t get wrapped (sorry, guys!).  Despite death and disease, hatred and terrorism, love, hope and charity still persist.

Wherever you are, however you hurt, hold on to the fact that there are people who love you.  There is generosity and love all around.  Sometimes it’s hard to see, but it’s there, I promise you.   You are enough.  You have done all you can.

Tomorrow is another day, another step forward on whatever path we choose. An added bonus here in the Northern Hemisphere is that we will have another minute or so of light.

That’s good enough for me.

May the coming year be better for us all.  May we all find joy in whatever nook or cranny it resides.  But most of all, I wish us peace.

 

 

 

 

21 thoughts on “A Wish for Grace, A Dream of Sleep

  1. Beautifully written, Mary. I hope that CPAP comes through for you soon. My sister got one and it has changed her life. May we all have a brighter 2016, and in the meantime, savor those tiny moments that uplift our spirits. I wish you a happy Christmas with your family. And I agree, that tree is perfection!

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  2. You are right on target again, as usual. First – I think that IS the most perfect tree I’ve ever seen – so full, so symetrical (sp?) so big – perfect. And then you’ve summed up life, and its compensations. Get that CPAP ( a couple in my family have made such differences!!!) asap and you will be much better off. Just don’t miss the opportunities for some of those middle of the night pictures you’ve shared with us! Have a lovely family Christmas…

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  3. Merry Christmas to you sweet Mary.
    Perfect post. Just perfect.
    I’ll loan you my bat wings and fuzxy dice, but I’m fresh out of dragon eyes. Be a squeaky wheel…whatever you need to do to get one of those machines so you can rest.
    Just so grateful you have a medical answer. You’ve been looking for so long. And now you know.
    Peace and good deep sleep to you in 2016 Mary. Love, c-

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  4. Merry Christmas and a wish for peace, as well as lovely, restorative sleep in the New Year once you’ve conquered sleep apnea with tools like a CPAP machine, pillows, etc. Love your tree! Who cares about the laundry and unwrapped gifts! I see too many people using their energy to maintain traditions that just don’t jive with the time/energy they now have. Time for new traditions and peace!

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  5. Merry Christmas dear Sister…..sleep is in your future and you will have the CPAP machine very soon (even if it is not soon enough). In spite of all the isms and hate in the world, there is love. On my travels Christmas Eve, I met lovely people, with wonderful stories, talk of social justice, common interests, and even a mom with three adults sons who, after waiting twenty minutes in a long grocery store line, said “please go ahead of us, you only have a few things in your cart and we have three separate orders (in a very full basket). The mom and her sons and Dennis and I talked, had somethings in common (the military) and laughed and enjoyed those few minutes of what could have turned out to be a very unpleasant wait.
    Enjoy your day, the boy, and all we have (rather than what we don’t). I’ll call you soon.

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  6. Oh Mary, this was wonderful and perfect and so timely.
    You nailed it – some days, it’s only the cat or penguin videos that keep me engaged. Long enough to see pictures of my nieces and nephews–a living legacy of love spread across the miles.
    I loved your tree, loved your words, and your spirit. Thank you for sharing such an important message as we head into what will likely be another crazy year. I hope your CPAP arrives soon (I’ll loan you a dragon eye if needed!)
    Wishing you and yours peace and love. You are an amazing woman, Mary. xo

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  7. A lovely tree. We rallied on Dec. 24 and added a few ornaments. Maybe next year we’ll follow your lead, go au natural.

    Isn’t that the truth, though? The happiness cards flip like card catalogue files, and all we can see forever and ever is sad and bad, and then one tiny thing, a funny video, a toddler running — and the cards flip to the bright side. Blowing peace, hope and good wishes your way. May your CPAP arrive soon. Maybe a happy light too.

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  8. Lovely, Mary. Sorry about your fatigue. I dig the Komodo dragon stuff! Also, your summation reminds of M. Scott Peck. I paid $25 to use three of his words in a book of meditations I wrote years ago: “Life is difficult.” You got it, sister. Hope 2016 holds more vigor for you and better sleep! Peace, John

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  9. Your message is a resonant one, dear Mary, although I’m saddened to hear that you were recently feeling like life is a burden and a chore. Unfortunately, too many of us have felt the same. I dearly hope you get that CPAP machine as soon as possible for the peace and healing that come with a good night’s rest. It sounds trite, but hang in there. At times that I’ve felt everything sucks, I try to tell myself that it can’t ‘rain’ forever and ever and that others are depending on me and that help does exist, if my stubborn self would ask for the support (and it’s way more than okay to ask for support). Anyway, this isn’t about me. Wishing you the best in 2015 and a much better 2016, Mary! Peace and grace to you and yours always.

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  10. Mary, I’m so very glad that you have found a reason for the overwhelming fatigue, and will hope that the CPAP makes a difference.
    I hope that you will hold on to the fact that you are well loved.. One only needs to look at your FB page or this blog to see that truth. Humor, generosity, talent, and honesty are traits that I think of when I think of you. I’m grateful to have found you in this online world and wish you a much better year, a year of better sleep, energy, and health, and a whole lotta happy and peace.
    Happy New Year, my friend.

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  11. beautifully written and I feel your pain…Christmas is taxing, but the joys of family and laughter abound…it is all worth it..on to another year…happier, lighter and filled with anticipation….

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  12. Mary, I’m so sorry to hear about your suffering, and I hope it ends soon and never ever comes back. Just the exhaustion part alone is way too much. People who haven’t been through it have no idea how overwhelming it is. As you say, this world is full of awful things. When we’re healthy and strong we stay busy doing all kinds of good things to counterbalance the bad ones. But if we’re too tired to work or think, or even to get up out of a chair or have a simple friendly conversation, what is life?

    You have the wisdom and spirit to appreciate every little thing, and to remember that a lot of people love you. I pray this will be the year of your renewed health!

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